Whilst I Was on Hold For Wachovia Bank
Me: [on hold on the phone, forehead in hand, listening to horrible hold music]
J: Oh hey are you on the phone? [Hissing loudly:] OH HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE? [eyeballs locking with mine, making the “phone” symbol with her hand to her ear] HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE???
Me: [Nods silently with look of hatred]
J: [still hissing] OH, WELL I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU, HOW DID THAT MARC JACOBS DRESS WORK OUT??? Remember that MARC JACOBS dress?? [hand still in “phone” symbol mode, pressed to her head]
Me: I never bought that dress, Jesus Christ, that was like eight months ago — [I finally get off hold] oh hello, yes, my account number is xxx-xxxx-xxx…
J: — OH OK I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW ABOUT THAT MARC JACOBS DRESS! I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW! HEH HEH HEH!
Guilty Conscience.
After distributing a box of cupcakes around for D’s birthday, I started discussing a newly hired woman with S at his doorway, which is adjacent to P’s office.
Me: So, does she seem capable?
P (shouting from his office): NO!
Me (thinking he’s talking about the new hiree): What, P?
P: OH NEVERMIND!
Me: Wait, seriously, what?
P: I didn’t eat all of the cupcakes!
Me: What the fuck are you talking about, P?
P: I thought you said, “So, did he eat them all?”
Me: Jesus Christ.
An email exchange RE: Email Virus
Me: I definitely received the emails but it looks like a warning message that… um… a virus has been detected!
That can’t be good. Thanks for letting us know. I’ll call our IT guys right now.
NB: Okay, cool (except for the virus part). Hope we just didn’t infect y’all…..
Maybe our system has an ETD (electronically transmitted disease).
Me: : Ewwwww… You’ll have to start wearing these while typing:
NB: LOL. What the F are those?
Me: Also comes in the “tuxedo” style:
(Sorry)
NB: Sexy
Toast, Anybody?
-
P:
(Sniff... sniff-sniff.) Mmm, is that TOAST I smell? Smells pretty good! Do you smell toast? Has.. has anybody been using the toaster recently?
-
Me:
(extremely busy and not happy to be bothered about fucking TOAST) I DON'T KNOW, P. WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER AND CHECK IT OUT? I'M NOT THE FUCKING TOAST MONITOR.
-
P:
... I... I was just wondering if the toaster has been in use for some time. (walks away sadly)
Wherein You Wish You Had Better Hearing.
-
Y:
did i tell you about the gay guy here...? i could have sworn he came up to me and started whispering about how he put self tanner on his balls...
-
Y:
b/c he just came out of the bathroom...
-
Y:
but i'm hoping that's not what he said... and was refering to his "bald spot" and my deaf self heard "balls"
-
L:
uuuuuuuuuuuhhh
-
Y:
he was like, crouched down by my desk... whispering
-
Y:
it was so weird, now that i'm thinking about it
-
Y:
why did he have to crouch down and whisper...
Lunch For One.
-
Y:
want to know something awkward...
-
Y:
see, i brought in my own cup of soup today (in a bid to save money) i went into the office kitchen this morning, and saw that it is stocked with cup of soup
-
Y:
do i... eat the office cup of soup... or reach awkwardly into my bag and get my own cup of soup...?
-
Y:
i used my own soup!
-
Y:
but i don't think the water i used is hot enough...
-
Me:
mic it for like 30 secs
-
Y:
i'm too lazy, and its too sad to walk BACK to the kitchen with my little sad sad cup of noodles
-
Me:
lord
-
Y:
at this point, i'm just praying nobody walks by when i have a face full of noodles
Awkward Informality.
-
(Phone rings.)
-
Me:
[Name of company]
-
Boss S:
Hey.
-
Me:
Oh hey, man! Oops, I mean, "Hi S." Sorry, I guess things are getting pretty casual around here today.
-
Boss S:
Oh that's okay. I mean, I'm like naked right now.
THE LONGEST CONVERSATION EVER.
-
P:
So..... any big plans for the weekend?
-
Me:
No, just probably catching up on some sleep...
-
P:
Oh yeah, I had trouble going to sleep last night. I went to sleep, woke up an hour later. Fell asleep again, woke up an hour later. Fell asleep, woke up an hour later...
-
Me:
Hmmm. What did you have for dinner last night before you went to sleep?
-
P:
A bison burger.
-
Me:
I don't think I've ever had one before.
-
P:
Really..? REALLY? It's really good. Like, a good alternative to regular chicken or beef, and I thin it's lower in fat or something so it's actually pretty good for you...
-
(conversation continues but I zone out)
-
... so yeah, you should try bison burger. It's really good.
-
Me:
That's great, P.
-
P:
So anyway, back to how I couldn't sleep last night... I had the weirdest dream! I took a contract out on my parents.
-
Me:
...
-
P:
Like, a contract, like a hit-man contract, like to kill them.
-
Me:
...
-
P:
Not that I would ever want to kill my parents or anything. I love my parents! I don't know what the dream really means...
-
Me:
...
-
P:
I should look it up online... "What does my dream mean?" I mean, I know that generally, dreams don't mean anything directly related to what the dream was actually about, but ... usually it's actually some sort of metaphorical meaning that sort of has to do with something that's on your mind. I don't know what my dream would actually mean.
-
Me:
...
-
P:
Maybe it means I want to kill somebody.
“ HEY THERE! ITS RICHIE! HOW YOU DOIN? LET ME TELL YOU, I FOUND THIS GREAT BOOK ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS….. YOU INTERESTED???? ”
An obliviously asshole-y client
I am SO BAD at Talking About Babies... (a.k.a. Scaring New Hirees with My Awkwardness)
-
Me:
So, R, you guys are off to lunch?
-
R:
Yeah, well, it's a meeting and then maybe we'll go get lunch afterwards... I hope so because I am STARVING.
-
Me:
Me too!
-
R:
I think it's because now that I'm at the office, I don't snack... when I was at home I'd just eat alllll day.
-
Me:
Well, I guess that's... a... good? thing? (R is slim and I didn't want to be like "yeah, losing weight would be a great idea for you!")
-
R:
I've still gotta work off some of that baby fat.
-
Me:
Oh god! That's sort of ridiculous. That's the last thing you should be worried about.
-
R:
It's almost swimsuit time out at the community pool, you know.
-
Me:
Yeah, oh man, don't remind me!
-
R:
It's funny because last summer I was like, soooo pregnant. Like, SO pregnant.
-
Me:
You have a summer baby?
-
R:
She was born in September... she was actually due in October but came a little early.
-
Me:
How old is she? (Stupidly not just adding up the months from September til now)
-
R:
Six months.
-
Me:
Awww! Six? Oh I mean, six months. Awwww...
-
R:
Yeah...
-
Me:
Do you... have a picture of her?
-
R:
(digging through purse) You know, I don't have any wallet-size photos yet... but I had one photo of her in here somewhere....
-
Me:
So you don't have like those wallet-sized glamour shots... of babies?
-
R:
Oh no, not yet... Here it is. (hands me photo of her two children)
-
Me:
AWWW! They're so cute! Look at her little hat!
-
R:
Yeahhhhh...
-
Me:
Can I keep this at my desk?
-
R:
... Yeah, sure... hahaha........ ha....
-
Me:
What's her name?
-
R:
Riley.
-
Me:
RILEY! WHAT A ... A COOL NAME!
-
R:
Yeah.....
-
Me:
And your son?
-
R:
Nate.
-
Me:
Riley and Nate. They sound like.. quite the rambunctious crew.
-
R:
They sure are a rambunctious crew...
-
(At this point, B and S come over to leave for the lunch meeting. I'm relieved that my rambling may finally end now. But of course my awkwardness trudges forth.)
-
Me:
Heyyyy B, did you see Rachel's cute little...--
-
R:
Oh yeah, my--
-
B:
Ok let's get out of here.
-
Me:
So where are you guys off to?...
-
(Everyone leaves)
