Whilst I Was on Hold For Wachovia Bank


Me: [on hold on the phone, forehead in hand, listening to horrible hold music]

J: Oh hey are you on the phone? [Hissing loudly:] OH HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE? [eyeballs locking with mine, making the “phone” symbol with her hand to her ear] HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE???

Me: [Nods silently with look of hatred]

J: [still hissing] OH, WELL I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU, HOW DID THAT MARC JACOBS DRESS WORK OUT??? Remember that MARC JACOBS dress?? [hand still in “phone” symbol mode, pressed to her head]

Me: I never bought that dress, Jesus Christ, that was like eight months ago — [I finally get off hold] oh hello, yes, my account number is xxx-xxxx-xxx…

J: — OH OK I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW ABOUT THAT MARC JACOBS DRESS! I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW! HEH HEH HEH!

Guilty Conscience.

After distributing a box of cupcakes around for D’s birthday, I started discussing a newly hired woman with S at his doorway, which is adjacent to P’s office.

Me: So, does she seem capable?
P (shouting from his office): NO!
Me (thinking he’s talking about the new hiree): What, P?
P: OH NEVERMIND!
Me: Wait, seriously, what?
P: I didn’t eat all of the cupcakes!
Me: What the fuck are you talking about, P?
P: I thought you said, “So, did he eat them all?”
Me: Jesus Christ.

An email exchange RE: Email Virus

Me: I definitely received the emails but it looks like a warning message that… um… a virus has been detected!

That can’t be good. Thanks for letting us know. I’ll call our IT guys right now.

NB: Okay, cool (except for the virus part). Hope we just didn’t infect y’all…..

Maybe our system has an ETD (electronically transmitted disease).

Me: : Ewwwww… You’ll have to start wearing these while typing:





NB: LOL. What the F are those?

Me: Also comes in the “tuxedo” style:



(Sorry)

NB: Sexy

Toast, Anybody?

Wherein You Wish You Had Better Hearing.

Lunch For One.

Awkward Informality.

THE LONGEST CONVERSATION EVER.

“ HEY THERE! ITS RICHIE! HOW YOU DOIN? LET ME TELL YOU, I FOUND THIS GREAT BOOK ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS….. YOU INTERESTED???? ”

An obliviously asshole-y client

I am SO BAD at Talking About Babies... (a.k.a. Scaring New Hirees with My Awkwardness)