Wherein I Learn of a New Winter Activity

Lawyer on phone: “Yeah, my son LOVES making snow farts. Oh Jesus Christ. I mean, snow “forts.”

Dec 30 2010

Text

Wherein a Client Shows His South Beach Guido Side


From: Mr. Client [client@yyy]
Sent: Saturday, July 10, 2010 9:52 AM
Subject: RE: BOD Minutes

Hi,
I have BOD meeting on 16 Jul. I need the minutes from our last meeting to distribute before our meeting.

Much appreciated. Thank you.

Kind Regards,
Mr. Client

——————————————————————————————-


From: Me
Date: Sun, 11 Jul 2010 02:32:56 +0000
To: Mr. Client
Subject: RE: BOD Minutes

Mr. Client:

I truly apologize for the delay. The minutes need to be reviewed before we send them out — I’ll make absolute sure that it will be sent to you in the next several days, well in advance of the meeting on the 16th.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend.

Regards,

Me

——————————————————————————————-

From: Mr. Client [mailto:client@yyy]
Sent: Sunday, July 11, 2010 12:30 AM
To: Me
Subject: Re: BOD Minutes

OK. Sure am. SB club partyin hearty. What u doing working so late SAt night?

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Jul 12 2010

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Wherein I Wish Mom Called After Hours


(Towards the end of a genial phone conversation with my mom)

Mom: I miss youuuuu!
Me: I miss you, too!
Mom: OH I MISS YOU SO MUCHHH!
Me: Haha, okay mom.
Mom: YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING?
…
:: FARTS INTO PHONE ::

Mom: OKAY BYE!

Me: ….

Jun 22 2010

Text

The Weirdest Freaking Perv Call EVER

Mar 23 2010

Conversation

Wherein P Should Give It A Rest


A quiet conversation in R’s office:

R: Hey JB, did you see the falafel truck outside?
JB: No, but maybe we should get falafels for lunch today…

P. walks by, eavesdrops, stops in his tracks.

P (to J): Did somebody say falafels?
J: No, I didn’t say anything about falafels.
P (to me): Did I hear somebody talking about falafels?
Me: No, did it sound like I said anything about falafels? Maybe you want to ask JB about it.
P: … He looks busy. I’ll ask him about the falafels later.

Hours later…

P (returning from the mens room, sniffs the air and approaches me at my desk): Do I smell tuna?
Me: I DON’T KNOW, P. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO CHECK IT OUT IN THE KITCHEN. I’M NOT MAKING TUNA RIGHT NOW.
P: O….kay…..

(P walks into kitchen)

P (to D): Hey are you making tuna in here? Do I smell tuna?

Mar 10 2010

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Whilst I Was on Hold For Wachovia Bank


Me: [on hold on the phone, forehead in hand, listening to horrible hold music]

J: Oh hey are you on the phone? [Hissing loudly:] OH HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE? [eyeballs locking with mine, making the “phone” symbol with her hand to her ear] HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE???

Me: [Nods silently with look of hatred]

J: [still hissing] OH, WELL I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU, HOW DID THAT MARC JACOBS DRESS WORK OUT??? Remember that MARC JACOBS dress?? [hand still in “phone” symbol mode, pressed to her head]

Me: I never bought that dress, Jesus Christ, that was like eight months ago — [I finally get off hold] oh hello, yes, my account number is xxx-xxxx-xxx…

J: — OH OK I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW ABOUT THAT MARC JACOBS DRESS! I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW! HEH HEH HEH!

Oct 6 2009

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Guilty Conscience.

After distributing a box of cupcakes around for D’s birthday, I started discussing a newly hired woman with S at his doorway, which is adjacent to P’s office.

Me: So, does she seem capable?
P (shouting from his office): NO!
Me (thinking he’s talking about the new hiree): What, P?
P: OH NEVERMIND!
Me: Wait, seriously, what?
P: I didn’t eat all of the cupcakes!
Me: What the fuck are you talking about, P?
P: I thought you said, “So, did he eat them all?”
Me: Jesus Christ.

Jul 17 2009

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An email exchange RE: Email Virus

Me: I definitely received the emails but it looks like a warning message that… um… a virus has been detected!

That can’t be good. Thanks for letting us know. I’ll call our IT guys right now.

NB: Okay, cool (except for the virus part). Hope we just didn’t infect y’all…..

Maybe our system has an ETD (electronically transmitted disease).

Me: : Ewwwww… You’ll have to start wearing these while typing:





NB: LOL. What the F are those?

Me: Also comes in the “tuxedo” style:



(Sorry)

NB: Sexy

Apr 29 2009

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Toast, Anybody?

16:23

Conversation

Wherein You Wish You Had Better Hearing.

16:20

Conversation

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