December 2010
1 post
Wherein I Learn of a New Winter Activity
Lawyer on phone: “Yeah, my son LOVES making snow farts. Oh Jesus Christ. I mean, snow “forts.”
July 2010
1 post
Wherein a Client Shows His South Beach Guido Side
From: Mr. Client [client@yyy]
Sent: Saturday, July 10, 2010 9:52 AM
Subject: RE: BOD Minutes
Hi,
I have BOD meeting on 16 Jul. I need the minutes from our last meeting to distribute before our meeting.
Much appreciated. Thank you.
Kind Regards,
Mr. Client...
June 2010
1 post
Wherein I Wish Mom Called After Hours
(Towards the end of a genial phone conversation with my mom)
Mom: I miss youuuuu!
Me: I miss you, too!
Mom: OH I MISS YOU SO MUCHHH!
Me: Haha, okay mom.
Mom: YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING?
…
:: FARTS INTO PHONE ::
Mom: OKAY BYE!
Me: ….
March 2010
2 posts
The Weirdest Freaking Perv Call EVER
Me: [Firm name]
Crazy Lady Caller (CLC): Hello is this xxx-3050?
Me: Uhh, I think so...
CLC: Is this the insurance company?
Me: No, you have the wrong number.
CLC: You know, I've been dialing so many wrong numbers... I'm PREGNANT!
Me: Oh wow! Congratulations!
CLC: Thank you! I'm 6 months now, I can't wait!
Me: Well, it's coming up soon...
CLC: Do you know anybody that's pregnant?
Me: There's a woman who works here who just had a baby.
CLC: Oh, her first?
Me: No, her third!
CLC: I'm single.
Me: Oh, cool.
CLC: I live with my boyfriend. Is the woman at your work single?
Me: No, she's married.
CLC: I'm 28. How old are you?
Me: I'm 25.
CLC: Are you pregnant?
Me: No!
CLC: Are you trying?
Me: Uhhhh, no, not at the moment...
CLC: But someday?
Me: Yes, maybe someday.
CLC: Do you know any single people who have children?
Me: You know what... not really, which seems weird.
CLC: Yes, that is weird!
Me: Hahaha....
CLC: You know... I have BIG BOOBS.
Me: ??? Hahaha...ha..
CLC: I have back pain... shoulder pain... It's a BIG PROBLEM! Are you that way, too?
Me: Ummm... you know.... um,
CLC: I'm coming out of a 38D! I have BIG BOOBS! They're a BIG PROBLEM!
Me: Well, you know, good luck with that... Um, what number were you trying to reach?
CLC: Oh, I'll look it up. Have a wonderful day!
Me: .......
Wherein P Should Give It A Rest
A quiet conversation in R’s office:
R: Hey JB, did you see the falafel truck outside?
JB: No, but maybe we should get falafels for lunch today…
P. walks by, eavesdrops, stops in his tracks.
P (to J): Did somebody say falafels?
J: No, I didn’t say anything about falafels.
P (to me): Did I hear somebody talking about falafels?
Me: No, did it sound like I said anything...
October 2009
1 post
Whilst I Was on Hold For Wachovia Bank
Me: [on hold on the phone, forehead in hand, listening to horrible hold music]
J: Oh hey are you on the phone? [Hissing loudly:] OH HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE? [eyeballs locking with mine, making the “phone” symbol with her hand to her ear] HEY ARE YOU ON THE PHONE???
Me: [Nods silently with look of hatred]
J: [still hissing] OH, WELL I WAS JUST GOING TO ASK YOU, HOW DID THAT MARC...
July 2009
1 post
Guilty Conscience.
After distributing a box of cupcakes around for D’s birthday, I started discussing a newly hired woman with S at his doorway, which is adjacent to P’s office.
Me: So, does she seem capable?
P (shouting from his office): NO!
Me (thinking he’s talking about the new hiree): What, P?
P: OH NEVERMIND!
Me: Wait, seriously, what?
P: I didn’t eat all of the cupcakes!
Me:...
April 2009
5 posts
An email exchange RE: Email Virus
Me: I definitely received the emails but it looks like a warning message that… um… a virus has been detected!
That can’t be good. Thanks for letting us know. I’ll call our IT guys right now.
NB: Okay, cool (except for the virus part). Hope we just didn’t infect y’all…..
Maybe our system has an ETD (electronically transmitted disease).
Me: : Ewwwww… You’ll have to start...
Toast, Anybody?
P: (Sniff... sniff-sniff.) Mmm, is that TOAST I smell? Smells pretty good! Do you smell toast? Has.. has anybody been using the toaster recently?
Me: (extremely busy and not happy to be bothered about fucking TOAST) I DON'T KNOW, P. WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER AND CHECK IT OUT? I'M NOT THE FUCKING TOAST MONITOR.
P: ... I... I was just wondering if the toaster has been in use for some time. (walks away sadly)
Wherein You Wish You Had Better Hearing.
Y: did i tell you about the gay guy here...? i could have sworn he came up to me and started whispering about how he put self tanner on his balls...
Y: b/c he just came out of the bathroom...
Y: but i'm hoping that's not what he said... and was refering to his "bald spot" and my deaf self heard "balls"
L: uuuuuuuuuuuhhh
Y: he was like, crouched down by my desk... whispering
Y: it was so weird, now that i'm thinking about it
Y: why did he have to crouch down and whisper...
Lunch For One.
Y: want to know something awkward...
Y: see, i brought in my own cup of soup today (in a bid to save money) i went into the office kitchen this morning, and saw that it is stocked with cup of soup
Y: do i... eat the office cup of soup... or reach awkwardly into my bag and get my own cup of soup...?
Y: i used my own soup!
Y: but i don't think the water i used is hot enough...
Me: mic it for like 30 secs
Y: i'm too lazy, and its too sad to walk BACK to the kitchen with my little sad sad cup of noodles
Me: lord
Y: at this point, i'm just praying nobody walks by when i have a face full of noodles
Awkward Informality.
(Phone rings.)
Me: [Name of company]
Boss S: Hey.
Me: Oh hey, man! Oops, I mean, "Hi S." Sorry, I guess things are getting pretty casual around here today.
Boss S: Oh that's okay. I mean, I'm like naked right now.
March 2009
3 posts
THE LONGEST CONVERSATION EVER.
P: So..... any big plans for the weekend?
Me: No, just probably catching up on some sleep...
P: Oh yeah, I had trouble going to sleep last night. I went to sleep, woke up an hour later. Fell asleep again, woke up an hour later. Fell asleep, woke up an hour later...
Me: Hmmm. What did you have for dinner last night before you went to sleep?
P: A bison burger.
Me: I don't think I've ever had one before.
P: Really..? REALLY? It's really good. Like, a good alternative to regular chicken or beef, and I thin it's lower in fat or something so it's actually pretty good for you...
(conversation continues but I zone out)
... so yeah, you should try bison burger. It's really good.
Me: That's great, P.
P: So anyway, back to how I couldn't sleep last night... I had the weirdest dream! I took a contract out on my parents.
Me: ...
P: Like, a contract, like a hit-man contract, like to kill them.
Me: ...
P: Not that I would ever want to kill my parents or anything. I love my parents! I don't know what the dream really means...
Me: ...
P: I should look it up online... "What does my dream mean?" I mean, I know that generally, dreams don't mean anything directly related to what the dream was actually about, but ... usually it's actually some sort of metaphorical meaning that sort of has to do with something that's on your mind. I don't know what my dream would actually mean.
Me: ...
P: Maybe it means I want to kill somebody.
“HEY THERE! ITS RICHIE! HOW YOU DOIN? LET ME TELL YOU, I FOUND THIS GREAT BOOK...”
– An obliviously asshole-y client
I am SO BAD at Talking About Babies... (a.k.a....
Me: So, R, you guys are off to lunch?
R: Yeah, well, it's a meeting and then maybe we'll go get lunch afterwards... I hope so because I am STARVING.
Me: Me too!
R: I think it's because now that I'm at the office, I don't snack... when I was at home I'd just eat alllll day.
Me: Well, I guess that's... a... good? thing? (R is slim and I didn't want to be like "yeah, losing weight would be a great idea for you!")
R: I've still gotta work off some of that baby fat.
Me: Oh god! That's sort of ridiculous. That's the last thing you should be worried about.
R: It's almost swimsuit time out at the community pool, you know.
Me: Yeah, oh man, don't remind me!
R: It's funny because last summer I was like, soooo pregnant. Like, SO pregnant.
Me: You have a summer baby?
R: She was born in September... she was actually due in October but came a little early.
Me: How old is she? (Stupidly not just adding up the months from September til now)
R: Six months.
Me: Awww! Six? Oh I mean, six months. Awwww...
R: Yeah...
Me: Do you... have a picture of her?
R: (digging through purse) You know, I don't have any wallet-size photos yet... but I had one photo of her in here somewhere....
Me: So you don't have like those wallet-sized glamour shots... of babies?
R: Oh no, not yet... Here it is. (hands me photo of her two children)
Me: AWWW! They're so cute! Look at her little hat!
R: Yeahhhhh...
Me: Can I keep this at my desk?
R: ... Yeah, sure... hahaha........ ha....
Me: What's her name?
R: Riley.
Me: RILEY! WHAT A ... A COOL NAME!
R: Yeah.....
Me: And your son?
R: Nate.
Me: Riley and Nate. They sound like.. quite the rambunctious crew.
R: They sure are a rambunctious crew...
(At this point, B and S come over to leave for the lunch meeting. I'm relieved that my rambling may finally end now. But of course my awkwardness trudges forth.)
Me: Heyyyy B, did you see Rachel's cute little...--
R: Oh yeah, my--
B: Ok let's get out of here.
Me: So where are you guys off to?...
(Everyone leaves)
February 2009
4 posts
Whilst Making Fun of a Business Acquaintance
Me: He even has a box of pink cigarettes with gold tips. He said, (Russian accent) "I hear the girls love the pink, so that is why I smoke them."
J: Oh my god.
Me: When he was on TV for the NASDAQ listing ceremony, I was like, "Hey PN, how did it feel to see yourself on television?" and he said, (Russian accent) "You know, I always surprised and little bit disappointed to see, because in my mind I imagine I look little bit... different."
J: Hahaha! Well, it sounds like he sort of makes fun of himself which is okay in my book.
Me: Yeah, a little self-deprecation is always welcome around here I guess.
J: Yeah I like that he's self-defecating.
Me: HAHAHAHA! SELF-DEFECATING???
J: Yeah, that's what I said... self-defecating... right?
Office Golf
Client: (noticing the golf balls strewn across the office floor) Who's the golfer?
J: Well, B and D are both golfers.
Me: (clearing throat) I think you're forgetting someone, J.
J: Oh! Right! I'm actually the office putting champion, pretty unbelievable.
Client: Oh, is that right?
Me: ... I meant me. :(
An Awkward as Hell Out-of-Office Encounter with a...
I spotted a familiar face -- the guy from Queer Eye, the judge from Iron Chef and Top Chef, the host of Food Detectives and Chopped... standing right in front of me on line at Duane Reade! I couldn't for the life of me remember his name, but I also couldn't help but say something...
...
Me: I hate to be rude but... don't you have a show?
TA: Yes.
Me: ... Several shows?
TA: Yes.
Me: OHMYGOD! ...Wonderful. Oh wow.
TA: ...
...
(sticks out hand)
Hi, I'm Ted.
Me: I'm ____.
TA: Nice to meet you. I work right around here.
Me: Me too! Right around here.
...
Didn't one of your shows come out recently?
TA: Yes, (unintelligible.)
Me: I'm sorry, which one?
TA: Chopped.
Me: Oh right! You're also on,
TA: Food Detectives?
Me: Food Detectives, yes! That's awesome.
...
... Which one is your favorite?
TA: Chopped. It's faster, more exciting...
Me: How is that going?
TA: It's going great! Our viewership goes up every week. It's actually on tonight!
Me: Oh great! I'll definitely check it out.
TA: (smiles and turns to the cashier to buy something)
Well, have a good day.
Me: Moo too, thanks!
Impressing Our Clients.
[[J is one of my bosses, and TK is a new client.]]
J: Oh man. TK is JUST LIKE MCLOVIN.
Me: Um, you mean like from Superbad???
Me: Yeah, I guess I could see that actually.
J: I'm telling you, like, the same eyes, that same smile. He is totally McLovin, like the ultimate dork. If he told me, "I'm the child actor from that movie Superbad, I was McLovin," I'd be like, "I believe you."
Me: Hahaha oh man.
Wait, you didn't TELL him he looks like McLovin, did you?
J: ...
...
...
YEAH I DID.
[[The next day: J comes up to my desk looking miserable...]]
J: Oh my god. I can't believe I got drunk and told a client that he looks like McLovin from Super Bad.
Me: Yeah, nice move, J. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
January 2009
11 posts
Actually, I Think It Was My Lymph Nodes.
Me: (feeling my throat) Hey D, I think I have an Adam's apple!
D: That's because you're a man.
Me: Yeah... I guess that would explain the penis.
D:
...
...
...
Get the fuck out of my office.
“can i tell you something unattractive
i farted in my office today, and someone...”
– J. via AIM.
(Office Awkward can happen at other people’s office as well, you know.)
A Large Man With a Fart Problem Visited Us...
Me: Omg come out here. It smells like farts so bad
Me: Ok now it’s gone.. or maybe I got used to it. Ugh that was so foul.
D: I think you have some sort of fart-fetish. Im not kidding.
Me: I don’t know why, I pretty much think farts are the funniest thing ever.
D: If by funniest you mean super erotic you sicko
A Difference in Political Tastes... (to say the...
P (a full-on Republican): Well, I guess I'd better go back there and get ready for this new presidency.
Me: Yeah, go "brace yourself."
P: I guess we really are going into "Operation Get Behind the Darkie."
Me: ...
...
...
P: It's a South Park joke! It's not racist. Okay fine, it's racist. It's a racist South Park joke. Heh heh! "Operation Get Behind the Darkie."
Me: P! No! Enough!
P: What, aren't you going to miss President Georgie?
Me: No!
P: Hmm... Well, maybe it's because I've been watching Fox News but everyone's been crying about it.
Facebooking About... Thermoses.
We just love our thermoses around here I guess.
My Facebook Status: PC is feeling SO DAMN GOOD right now!
D’s Comment: new thermos, right?
My Post on D’s Wall:
“Look, they have gradually increasing sizes, and a convenient carrying case!
I wonder if they fit into each other like Russian nesting dolls…”
D shouting to me in real life from his office: Hey! I...
Revisiting the Thermos
I accidentally left my big plastic green thermos at work yesterday, so today I brought in… well, I brought in one of these:
a la this riveting interaction.
I kept it in my giant purse and forgot I had it until Y reminded me to update my Tumblr.
I entered D’s office, purse clutched in both hands, slowly unzipped it and pulled out my giant silver dildo thermos.
D: Whoah! You...
Sometimes It's Better Described Through IM
Me: WHY are harem pants making such a big comeback?
Me: also WHY does P always stare at me before leaving the office?
Me: as though asking me to ask him where he is going?
Y: hahahahahahah
Y: hmm he wants to envision your face, as he walks down the street
Me: the answer is always the same: the men's room
Me: for like 50 minutes
Y: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
Y: maybe... he needs help
Me: hahaha
Me: did i ever tell you how good his hearing is?
Me: if i make any rustling noises in the kitchen he will come from the FAR END of the office, running, wanting to see what it is
Me: i thought he was in his office once as i was leaving, and i shouted, "BYE P!"
Me: and i heard him reply with a tinny "BYEEEEE"...
Me: ... from the MEN'S ROOM
“Hi, my sweaty”
– (the subject line of my dad’s latest email to me)
Chappy's
D: Hey, you have a thermos.
Me: Yep.
D: Want to hear a dirty joke involving a thermos?
Me: NO! Okay, fine.
D: (launches into long meandering joke about a dildo store)… and this old sophisticated lady says, “How much for this plaid one?” (the joke continues on) … and the construction worker says, “Yeah, I sold her my thermos for $100!”
Me: Hahaha.
D: No...
Dumpling Dumps
(Last Friday at work)
Me: Hey, would you like to try one of these vegan dumplings?
S: No, that's okay... I would have one but on my way here I stopped and had a huge falafel so I'm stuffed.
Me (jokingly): S, I'll remember this. Your constant rejections hurt me deeply.
S (very quietly): ... I only reject you because I want you so much.
...
Me: Hey! Who wants some chocolate!? (Breaks out chocolate bar from desk drawer in desperation)
Not Awake Yet
[Ring ring]
Me: J.B.'s office
Caller: Hi, good morning how are you? Is J.B. there?
Me: Um.... oh, hi, I'm good, how are you? I, I'm sorry, but, um, I'm SORRY...
Caller: ... Okay, well, this is (unintelligible). Can you tell J.B. that I'm waiting for him for our 10:30 meeting?
Me: I'm sorry, sure, what I can do is try to reach him on his cell phone,
Caller: I did that already, I left him a message on his cell.
Me: Oh, well, um, I'm sorry, what was your name again? I can send him a message...
Caller: This is R. and tell him I'm waiting for our meeting at 220 (totally unintelligible) Street.
Me: Sure (pretending to write it down). Sorry about that. And the best number to reach you?
Caller: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Me: Okay, great. I'll be sure to pass along the info.
[hangs up]